


recognise pain; trust in fate

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: Merthur Week 2021 [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Established Relationship, M/M, Politics, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 01:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30097944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Arthur has promised that the laws regarding magic in Camelot will be changed - eventually. Merlin must choose where his loyalties lie.Day 3 ofmerthurweek2021Prompt: "We're meant to be on the same side" "We've never been on the same side"
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merthur Week 2021 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2211165
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54
Collections: Merthur Week 2021





	recognise pain; trust in fate

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the admins for running this event! <3

“Merlin!” Arthur’s voice booms through Gaius’ office, carrying into Merlin’s rooms. Merlin pauses a moment, then swallows hard and resumes his packing. “Merlin!” Arthur repeats, louder now as he comes closer. The door opens, but Merlin doesn’t turn his head to look. “Merlin, tell me you didn’t.”

Merlin sucks in his cheeks, then exhales. “Didn’t what?” he asks innocently, as he folds the last of his shirts into his small bag. It isn’t a lot to show for his time in Camelot, but the things that really matter, he can’t take with him.

“Tell me you didn’t let the sorcerer go,” Arthur says through gritted teeth. Merlin clenches his jaw and doesn’t turn around. “Merlin!”

“Of course I did,” Merlin snaps, turning to face him with fury burning in his eyes. “You sentenced him to death!”

Arthur takes a step back like he’s shocked by this, but it does nothing to soften Merlin. The sorcerer had been found in the city selling talismans of fortune and taken to the dungeons. As soon as Merlin heard what had happened, he began plotting a way to free him. Things were meant to be different now that Uther was gone, that was the whole _point_ , but every time Merlin brought it up, Arthur just said that reforms took time. Merlin can’t help but wonder how long the excuse will last, and isn’t sure he can stick around to find out.

“How could you?” Arthur accuses, hurt written all over his face. He shakes his head as though in disbelief. **“We’re meant to be on the same side!”**

Merlin scoffs at that - **“We have never been on the same side.”** His tone is acerbic, his fists clenched at his sides. “And while you continue to put my people to death-”

“ _Your_ people?” Arthur spits. “What of the people of Camelot? Aren’t they your people?”

Merlin stares him down, chin up and shoulders back, hoping to feign a confidence he doesn’t feel as he all but drowns in the feelings of betrayal that swirl in his stomach. “Not for much longer,” he says.

Arthur frowns at him, then peers over his shoulder and sees his packed bag. He jolts back a little, and flicks his eyes around the little room to see how bare it is. His eyes widen as though only now realising what is going on. “You’re leaving.” It’s not a question.

Merlin feels his calm demeanour slip a little as he replies, “I don’t see how I have any choice. Sorcerers are persecuted in Camelot, after all.”

Arthur’s mouth falls open, and tears begin to well in his eyes. “Merlin, please,” Arthur pleads. He takes the steps needed to close the gap between them, before holding Merlin’s hands in his. “You know you’re safe here as long as I am king.”

Merlin wants to take comfort in the words, in the touch, to lean into Arthur and be embraced as he has been so often before. He wants it so badly he aches with it, but it is a want tinged with guilt. He remembers the look of the man - a boy, really, perhaps even younger than Merlin was when he first arrived in Camelot - as he’d set him free. The fear, the anguish, the pain. He’s seen it a million times before was the real problem, painted across the face of every sorcerer who had the misfortune of passing through Camelot and being caught. Not being able to simply live a life as your full self - Merlin feels there's no greater injustice. 

“And what of the others?” Merlin asks. He doesn’t pull away, but neither does he allow himself to be pulled in. “What of the man I freed? Why am I safe but not him?”

Arthur searches Merlin’s face, a distraught expression colouring his own. “Because I love you,” he says, and though it’s not the first time Merlin’s heard it, it still makes him feel fizzy and light.

There’s a war inside Merlin’s heart that is exacerbated by the words. He loves Arthur, too, dearly. He loves Arthur as he’s never loved another, and fears he never will. But it’s not enough to soothe the hurt at seeing Arthur say he loves him in one breath, then sentence and innocent sorcerer to die in the next. Merlin had hoped he would never have to choose between his love for Arthur and his loyalty to his people, he’d hoped that once Arthur became the great king Merlin knew he could be that he and those like him would not have to fear anymore. It brought him immense pain to see this was not the case.

“You can’t love me, then persecute those like me,” Merlin replies, finally pulling away. “If Camelot is not safe for sorcerers, then it is not safe for me, and I must leave.”

Arthur looks at him pleadingly. “Merlin, please. Don’t I…” 

Merlin raises his eyebrows. “You what?” he asks, surprised to find his voice so even as the tears welling in his eyes begin to fall. “What, Arthur?”

The silence that stretches between them seems to be miles and millennia long.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Arthur says finally, barely above a whisper.

Merlin presses his lips together, then rubs the tears from his cheeks with the heels of his hands. “Then you know what you must do.”

Merlin walks away, passing Arthur without another look his way. He's tempted to turn around in the doorway, but pushes himself onwards. It will not make this any easier to wait. He hopes beyond hope that Arthur will do the right thing, hopes that the years of service Merlin has dedicated to the man he had thought would be the king to unite the land and bring peace to his people will not be for naught. More than this, though, he doesn’t want to lose Arthur, either. He will leave, he's determined about that, and knows he, too, can not continue to be a hypocrite. But it will break his heart to do so.

He walks through the city and out the gates, not stopping until he reaches a secluded spot in the woods. There, he allows himself to crumple to the floor and sob until his tears will run no more. He sends a prayer that Arthur will save both of them the anguish, hoping that any higher being that might be listening is benevolent enough to do Merlin this kindness. Once night falls, Merlin pulls himself up, takes several deep breaths, then turns to walk back to the castle and see what Arthur has decided.

**Author's Note:**

> it seems my solution to angst seems to be: leave it open ended. i think i must've forgotten about angst-with-a-happy-ending when i was writing these, lol.
> 
> also, i hate this, but what else is new :)
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or kudos, they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there was something you think i forgot to tag! i also got a bit confused with tenses in the edit, lol, so sorry about that.
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because uni is so hard, but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumble: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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